Thanks Samuel, much appreciated. Procrastination and delay are easy to miss because they feel so ordinary, yet they can carry a lot of unspoken resistance.
Once someone describes you as a steel sword in a silk sheath (in a 1-1 review). You look it up . . .
Such a hard thing to confront, which is where my curiosity peaks.
Because of the irony.
A person has to confront themselves about the fear of emotional intimacy/conflict. Which is probably one way that a therapist or a very good friend (in my case, boss) can be helpful.
Dialogue with a trusted person that involves some friction, but the other person remains consistent and calm. That’s the ticket out.
Very hard to do on your own, as you point out - the aggression can be turned inward. . .
Oddly, I’ve just prepared another presentation - on Tuckman’s group stages.
The storming stage is often necessary for progress? Clears the air, establishes roles and safety, voices are acknowledged and Norming follows. . .
I think it’s a lesson we could all benefit from in earlier life - that conflict can lead to emotional intimacy and better communication and performance if it’s task based. . .
I love the phrase “a steel sword in a silk sheath”. It captures the paradox perfectly. Strength, conviction, even aggression, wrapped in politeness and restraint.
Passive aggression often isn’t about avoiding disagreement so much as avoiding what disagreement might expose: vulnerability, dependence, or the risk of being seen clearly. That’s why, as you note, it’s often a relational problem that needs a relational solution. A calm, consistent other person who doesn’t retaliate or withdraw creates a kind of emotional safety that makes direct expression possible. A good therapist can do that, but so can a trusted friend, mentor, or in your case, a perceptive boss.
Your point about dialogue with friction is crucial. The goal isn’t harmony at all costs. It’s tolerable friction. Enough tension to surface what’s real, without tipping into threat. That’s exactly why passive aggression thrives where conflict feels dangerous, and fades when conflict becomes survivable.
Thank you for sharing this. It adds a lot of depth to the conversation.
I enjoyed reading this and saw so much of myself in it. I am going to begin becoming more aware of the inauthenticity when it happens, observe my patterns and connect rather through clarity. Thank you so much for sharing.
I really appreciate you saying this. Simply noticing those moments of inauthenticity and patterns as they arise is huge. Clarity can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s often the most connecting move in the long run. I’m really glad you enjoyed the article.
thank you for this read! once i started reading, i had to read all the way through — you show me that there are always layers to unpack.
this aspect consistently stood out to me throughout the read:
your emotional maturity in 1) being curious about passive-aggresiveness within yourself, 2) acknowledging your test results, 3) deciding to learn about this behavior you have rather than shying away from it, and 4) help others who may be in your position to identify it for themselves.
this was a very well-written article, david! i'm sure your loved ones appreciate you for this.
The breakdown of passive aggression as a pattern of “yes” on the surface and resistance underneath explains why it damages trust so quickly. The examples are concrete without turning into a checklist, and the section on responding focuses on staying out of the reaction trap while still naming what is happening. I also like the balance in the final sections, where the goal is not labeling but shifting toward directness and accountability, including when the pattern shows up in your own behavior.
Thanks so much, Nicole. I’m really glad that focus on patterns rather than labels came through, especially the idea of staying out of the reaction trap while still naming what’s happening. I appreciate you reading it so closely.
Just splendid!
Personally I thought passive aggression is only the aggression itself and never thought of delay and procrastination as part of it.
Your transitioning from one idea to another is great and the storytelling too. I'm completely in awe as a psychology enthusiast.
Thanks Samuel, much appreciated. Procrastination and delay are easy to miss because they feel so ordinary, yet they can carry a lot of unspoken resistance.
Very comprehensive article! Much food for thought was gleaned for me. Thank you!
You're welcome, really pleased you found it an interesting read.
Inconsistent parenting. . .
Low self esteem. . .
Fear of conflict . . .
Once someone describes you as a steel sword in a silk sheath (in a 1-1 review). You look it up . . .
Such a hard thing to confront, which is where my curiosity peaks.
Because of the irony.
A person has to confront themselves about the fear of emotional intimacy/conflict. Which is probably one way that a therapist or a very good friend (in my case, boss) can be helpful.
Dialogue with a trusted person that involves some friction, but the other person remains consistent and calm. That’s the ticket out.
Very hard to do on your own, as you point out - the aggression can be turned inward. . .
Oddly, I’ve just prepared another presentation - on Tuckman’s group stages.
The storming stage is often necessary for progress? Clears the air, establishes roles and safety, voices are acknowledged and Norming follows. . .
I think it’s a lesson we could all benefit from in earlier life - that conflict can lead to emotional intimacy and better communication and performance if it’s task based. . .
I love the phrase “a steel sword in a silk sheath”. It captures the paradox perfectly. Strength, conviction, even aggression, wrapped in politeness and restraint.
Passive aggression often isn’t about avoiding disagreement so much as avoiding what disagreement might expose: vulnerability, dependence, or the risk of being seen clearly. That’s why, as you note, it’s often a relational problem that needs a relational solution. A calm, consistent other person who doesn’t retaliate or withdraw creates a kind of emotional safety that makes direct expression possible. A good therapist can do that, but so can a trusted friend, mentor, or in your case, a perceptive boss.
Your point about dialogue with friction is crucial. The goal isn’t harmony at all costs. It’s tolerable friction. Enough tension to surface what’s real, without tipping into threat. That’s exactly why passive aggression thrives where conflict feels dangerous, and fades when conflict becomes survivable.
Thank you for sharing this. It adds a lot of depth to the conversation.
I enjoyed reading this and saw so much of myself in it. I am going to begin becoming more aware of the inauthenticity when it happens, observe my patterns and connect rather through clarity. Thank you so much for sharing.
I really appreciate you saying this. Simply noticing those moments of inauthenticity and patterns as they arise is huge. Clarity can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s often the most connecting move in the long run. I’m really glad you enjoyed the article.
thank you for this read! once i started reading, i had to read all the way through — you show me that there are always layers to unpack.
this aspect consistently stood out to me throughout the read:
your emotional maturity in 1) being curious about passive-aggresiveness within yourself, 2) acknowledging your test results, 3) deciding to learn about this behavior you have rather than shying away from it, and 4) help others who may be in your position to identify it for themselves.
this was a very well-written article, david! i'm sure your loved ones appreciate you for this.
Thank you, Faye, that really means a lot. Curiosity has been essential for me with topics like this, especially when they hit close to home.
The breakdown of passive aggression as a pattern of “yes” on the surface and resistance underneath explains why it damages trust so quickly. The examples are concrete without turning into a checklist, and the section on responding focuses on staying out of the reaction trap while still naming what is happening. I also like the balance in the final sections, where the goal is not labeling but shifting toward directness and accountability, including when the pattern shows up in your own behavior.
Thanks so much, Nicole. I’m really glad that focus on patterns rather than labels came through, especially the idea of staying out of the reaction trap while still naming what’s happening. I appreciate you reading it so closely.