Passive Aggression: When Hostility Hides in Plain Sight

Why resentment, contempt, and avoidance so often come out sideways

I recently did a test on the Psychology Today website designed to answer the question, “Could you be passive-aggressive?” It explains that passive-aggressive people may express negative feelings like anger, annoyance, or hurt in indirect but still hostile ways that can damage relationships, even with close friends or family. A tendency toward passive aggression, it adds, can even be turned inward. The test invites you to answer a series of questions to see where you fall on the passive-aggression scale.

Apparently, I’m moderately passive-aggressive, which probably explains why, on seeing the result, my inner voice said…“Good to know a handful of multiple-choice questions know me so well.” 😂

I enjoyed the test because it prompted me to look more closely at passive-aggressive behavior, which is exactly what I’ll be doing throughout this article.

A Brief History of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Interest in passive-aggressive behavior didn’t begin as a pop-psychology label. Its origins are far more specific, and more revealing.

The term first emerged during the Second World War, when military psychiatrists noticed a particular form of resistance among soldiers. These individuals weren’t openly defiant. They followed orders, at least on the surface. But they consistently failed to meet expectations through delay, inefficiency, forgetfulness, or quiet obstruction. The resistance was real, but it was expressed indirectly.

This pattern mattered in a military context because discipline depended on clear compliance. This form of resistance disrupted authority without ever challenging it outright. That combination of surface cooperation and underlying defiance proved psychologically distinctive enough to be named and studied.

After the war, the idea travelled beyond the military. Clinicians began to notice the same pattern in civilian life, in workplaces, families, and intimate relationships. What changed was the setting, not the structure of the behavior. The core feature remained the same: anger and resentment expressed sideways rather than head-on.

Over time, passive-aggressive behavior came to describe more than missed deadlines or procrastination. It included chronic sulking, stubbornness, resentment toward authority, and a tendency to see oneself as misunderstood or unfairly treated. Importantly, it was understood not as an occasional reaction, but as a habitual style of responding to frustration and power dynamics.

As psychiatry evolved, so did the way this pattern was classified. Across successive diagnostic manuals, passive-aggressive behavior was repeatedly redefined, renamed, and debated.

Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior a Disorder?

This question sits at the heart of the confusion surrounding passive-aggressive behavior: is it a mental disorder, or simply a frustrating way some people handle conflict?

The answer depends on how the behavior shows up and how consistently it does so. Everyone avoids confrontation at times. Everyone expresses irritation indirectly now and then. On its own, that doesn’t make anything pathological.

Historically, passive-aggressive behavior was only considered disordered when it formed a stable, long-standing pattern. The concern wasn’t the behavior itself, but its persistence. When indirect resistance becomes the default response across work, relationships, and everyday responsibilities, it often brings significant costs. Trust erodes. Conflict becomes chronic. Resentment builds on both sides.

One reason the diagnosis became controversial is that passive-aggressive behavior often looks situational. It can emerge in environments where people feel powerless, overcontrolled, or unable to speak openly. Critics argued that labeling this response as a disorder risked medicalizing understandable reactions to difficult circumstances.

At the same time, clinicians repeatedly observed that for some individuals, the pattern persists even when circumstances change. The behavior doesn’t disappear when authority becomes reasonable or relationships become safer. It travels with the person, shaping how they experience expectations, criticism, and responsibility.

Modern diagnostic systems no longer recognize passive-aggressive personality disorder as a formal category. Instead, the traits associated with it have been folded into broader personality dimensions, such as hostility, oppositionality, and negative emotionality. That shift reflects a move away from rigid labels, not a verdict that the pattern lacks psychological importance.

In practical terms, passive-aggressive behavior is no longer a diagnosis, but it remains a useful psychological concept. It captures a particular way anger, resentment, and resistance can be expressed when direct confrontation feels threatening, forbidden, or emotionally risky. Understanding that pattern is often far more helpful than arguing about the label attached to it.

What Passive-Aggressive Behavior Looks Like in Everyday Life

Before we get into the real-world patterns and psychology of passive-aggressive behavior, this Saturday Night Live sketch captures the tone and dynamic in a way that’s both funny and unsettling.

This is why passive aggression is often described as sugarcoated hostility. The anger, contempt, and disguised nastiness are real, even if they’re delivered with a smile. That disconnect is what makes passive-aggressive behavior so confusing and so corrosive.

In everyday life, passive-aggressive behavior is less about what someone says and more about the gap between words and actions. On the surface, everything may sound reasonable, agreeable, or even polite. Underneath, something quite different is playing out.

One of the most familiar forms is withdrawal. This might show up as the silent treatment, sudden emotional distance, or a refusal to engage in conversation. In relationships, it can escalate into stonewalling or simply disappearing from contact altogether. Nothing overt is said, but the message is unmistakable: you’re being punished.

Another common expression is verbal ambiguity. Sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and “jokes” that land with a sting allow hostility to be delivered while preserving plausible deniability. Phrases like “I’m just kidding” or “you’re too sensitive” are often used to deflect responsibility. Even flat denials such as “I’m fine” or “I’m not angry” can function passively aggressively when tone, posture, or behavior clearly contradicts the words.

Then there’s intentional inefficiency, sometimes called weaponized incompetence. Here, a person technically complies with a request but does so in a way that renders it useless or frustrating. Tasks are done badly, slowly, or incorrectly, often with the unspoken hope that they’ll never be asked again. It’s compliance in form, resistance in function.

Closely related is procrastination and selective forgetting. Commitments are agreed to verbally but delayed indefinitely. Deadlines, appointments, or important details are conveniently forgotten. Each individual incident can be explained away, but the pattern leaves others feeling blocked, dismissed, or undermined.

As these behaviors repeat, they can escalate. Passive aggression often begins with mild resistance but can grow into more serious forms. Someone may deliberately fail to prevent a problem they can clearly see coming, watching it unfold while saying nothing. At more extreme levels, the behavior can shift into hidden revenge, carried out anonymously through sabotage or rumor-spreading. In its most destructive form, the person may even harm themselves in order to punish or shame others, turning aggression inward as a form of protest.

Recent psychological research has highlighted a particularly subtle form known as aggression by omission. Instead of doing harm directly, the person withholds something that would prevent harm or provide benefit. This might involve failing to share crucial information, refusing to acknowledge a partner’s effort, or choosing not to intervene when someone is about to get hurt. Nothing overt happens, yet the damage is real and often intentional.

Passive-aggressive behavior also follows a recognisable interpersonal pattern. The person expressing it often remains calm and composed while their actions provoke mounting frustration in others. When the other person finally snaps or becomes emotional, the focus shifts. The passive-aggressive individual highlights the reaction rather than their own behavior, positioning themselves as the victim and demanding an apology for the outburst. The original issue quietly disappears.

A useful way to think about passive aggression is as a leaky faucet/tap. A single drip is easy to ignore. Over time, though, the constant drip erodes trust, patience, and goodwill. Relationships don’t usually break because of one sarcastic comment or one missed deadline, but because of the slow accumulation of small, unresolved acts of resistance.

Seen this way, passive-aggressive behavior isn’t defined by any single action. It’s defined by a pattern: agreeable words paired with resistant behavior, repeated often enough to shape how relationships function and how conflict is managed.

Why Some People Rely on Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior persists because, for the person using it, it works. It manages conflict, protects self-image, and allows hostility to be expressed without the risks that come with saying what you actually feel.

For many people, this style of behavior develops early. Growing up in an environment where anger was punished, dismissed, or met with disproportionate consequences teaches a simple lesson: direct expression isn’t safe. Children in these settings often learn to bury irritation and resentment, only to release it indirectly through delay, withdrawal, or quiet defiance. If expressing frustration openly led to criticism, ridicule, or withdrawal of affection, indirect resistance becomes a safer option.

Parenting style matters here. Highly controlling, neglectful, or inconsistent parenting can leave children feeling chronically misunderstood or perpetually wrong. When expectations are rigid and appreciation is scarce, asserting oneself directly can feel futile or dangerous. Over time, resistance shifts underground. Instead of saying “this isn’t fair,” the child learns to comply superficially while withholding effort or enthusiasm.

Passive aggression is also learned through observation. Children absorb how conflict is handled around them. If parents routinely express resentment through sarcasm, silence, or martyrdom rather than direct conversation, those patterns become normalised. Add trauma, neglect, or chaotic environments into the mix, and indirect coping strategies may feel like the only viable tools available.

Psychologically, passive-aggressive behavior often serves as a defense. Direct anger requires vulnerability. It risks rejection, escalation, or exposure. For people who fear conflict or abandonment, indirect hostility offers a compromise: the emotion gets expressed, but responsibility for it stays hidden. This is particularly common among individuals with insecure attachment styles, where asserting needs feels synonymous with being “too much.”

Low self-esteem can also play a role. When people doubt their own worth, direct self-assertion may feel undeserved or presumptuous. Passive aggression allows them to regain a sense of control without openly claiming it. The satisfaction doesn’t come from resolution, but from quietly disrupting the expectations of others.

Another contributor is emotional skill, or the lack of it. Some people struggle to identify what they’re feeling, let alone articulate it. If you’ve learned that you’re supposed to be agreeable, calm, or endlessly resilient, negative emotions have to surface somewhere. When they can’t be named, they act themselves out instead.

Situations matter too. Passive-aggressive behavior often flourishes in unequal power dynamics. When someone feels trapped beneath authority, whether in the military, the workplace, or a relationship, direct confrontation may carry real consequences. Subtle resistance becomes a way to reclaim agency. This is why passive aggression is so common in environments where overt anger is discouraged but resentment is widespread.

That said, it’s important not to romanticise or over-excuse the behavior. Not all passive aggression comes from fear or vulnerability. For some people, the indirectness is precisely the appeal. It allows contempt to be expressed without accountability, belittlement without consequences, and control without exposure. The ambiguity protects them from challenge while keeping others off balance.

Biology and mental health can also play a role. Passive-aggressive behavior often overlaps with depression, anxiety, and certain personality traits. In some cases, the aggression is turned inward, expressed through self-sabotage or chronic self-denial rather than outward hostility.

What ties all of this together is function. Passive-aggressive behavior isn’t random. It’s a strategy, learned or reinforced over time, that balances expression and avoidance. It allows people to say “yes” while meaning “no,” to appear reasonable while acting resentful, and to maintain a sense of moral innocence while still inflicting damage.

Understanding why people rely on it doesn’t excuse the harm it causes. But it does explain why the pattern can be so persistent, and why simply telling someone to “be more direct” rarely works without addressing what the behavior is protecting them from.

Responding to Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Once you start noticing passive-aggressive behavior, the hardest part is not seeing it. It’s resisting the pull to respond in kind.

Passive aggression thrives on reaction. The silence, sarcasm, or deliberate inefficiency is often designed, consciously or not, to provoke frustration in the other person. When that frustration finally erupts, the focus shifts. The passive-aggressive individual appears calm and reasonable, while the person reacting looks emotional or unreasonable. The original behavior disappears from view.

The most important first step, then, is refusing to enter that cycle. That means not mirroring the behavior. Silence met with silence, sarcasm answered with sarcasm, or inefficiency compensated for by over-functioning all keep the pattern alive. Staying calm isn’t about being passive yourself. It’s about maintaining enough clarity to address what’s actually happening.

One effective way of doing this is through what is known as benign confrontation. Rather than challenging the behavior head-on or accusing the person of bad intent, the aim is to name what you’re observing without escalating the interaction. This often involves gently drawing attention to the emotional layer beneath the behavior. Saying something like, “I’m wondering if something about that request bothered you,” or “I noticed you didn’t respond, and I’m trying to understand why,” bypasses the surface behavior and places the focus where it belongs.

Denial is common at this point. Passive-aggressive behavior relies on plausible innocence, so you’ll often hear “I’m fine” or “you’re reading too much into it.” The key is not to argue. You don’t need a confession. What matters is that the possibility has been introduced. When the behavior repeats, you can return to it calmly, helping to make the pattern visible without turning the interaction into a power struggle.

Clarity also matters. One reason passive-aggressive dynamics persist is ambiguity. Clear expectations, clear boundaries, and clear consequences reduce the space the behavior needs to operate. This is especially important in professional settings. Promises and reassurances are less useful than outcomes. Focusing on results rather than intentions makes it harder for resistance to hide behind politeness or excuses.

In workplaces, direct communication helps. Passive-aggressive behavior often flourishes in emails and indirect messages, where tone can be obscured and responsibility diluted. Face-to-face conversations, or at least real-time ones, reduce that ambiguity. When sarcasm or veiled digs appear, it can be useful to pause and ask for clarification. Simply asking whether a comment was intended as sarcasm often brings the interaction back into the open.

Equally important is managing your own response. Passive aggression can tempt people into compensating for someone else’s underperformance, smoothing things over, or quietly picking up the slack. While this may keep things functioning in the short term, it often reinforces the pattern. Allowing natural consequences to occur can be uncomfortable, but it’s sometimes the only way to disrupt the dynamic.

In cases where the behavior persists and direct engagement leads nowhere, emotional disengagement can be protective. Becoming less reactive, less available to the bait, and less invested in extracting accountability can deprive the behavior of its payoff. This isn’t about being cold or dismissive, but about conserving your emotional energy when change isn’t forthcoming.

Responding effectively to passive-aggressive behavior isn’t about clever comebacks or psychological tricks. It’s about refusing to be pulled into ambiguity, staying grounded in observable patterns, and addressing what’s happening without surrendering your own composure.

When Passive-Aggressive Behavior Is Your Own

If you’ve recognised yourself anywhere in this article, that recognition matters. Passive-aggressive behavior isn’t a fixed personality flaw. It’s usually a learned way of coping with discomfort, one that can be unlearned once it becomes visible.

At its core, passive aggression reflects a gap between what you feel and what you allow yourself to express. Anger, resentment, insecurity, or dissatisfaction are present, but instead of being stated directly, they leak out sideways. The first step toward change is noticing when that gap opens.

This begins with self-awareness. Passive-aggressive behavior often feels justified in the moment and invisible to the person enacting it. Sarcasm feels like humor. Silence feels like self-protection. Procrastination feels reasonable. Paying attention to your own patterns is essential. Notice when you agree to things you don’t want to do. Notice when irritation shows up as delay, withdrawal, or subtle digs rather than words.

The body often gives the earliest clues. Suppressed anger doesn’t vanish. It shows up as tension in the jaw, a tightening in the chest, shallow breathing, or a spike of irritation that seems out of proportion to the situation. Learning to spot these signals creates a pause, and that pause is where choice becomes possible.

It also helps to ask what the behavior is protecting you from. Passive aggression is rarely about the task or the comment on the surface. It’s usually about an unmet need or an underlying belief. Perhaps you’ve learned that expressing anger leads to rejection, punishment, or loss of control. Perhaps authority feels threatening, or disagreement feels unsafe. When those beliefs go unexamined, indirect resistance can feel like the only option.

The alternative isn’t aggression. It’s assertiveness. That means moving from hinting and hoping to stating needs clearly, without hostility or apology. It means giving up the illusion that others should already know what you want or why you’re upset. Unspoken expectations are fertile ground for resentment.

Direct communication often feels riskier at first, especially if avoidance has been your default. But it’s also cleaner. Saying “I feel frustrated when this keeps happening” gives the other person something real to respond to. Saying “yes” while quietly planning to resist later only keeps you trapped in the pattern.

Managing the moment matters too. The urge to be passive-aggressive often arrives as an impulse, a sarcastic comment, a withdrawal, a delay. Learning to pause, breathe, and regulate that surge of emotion interrupts the automatic response. Sometimes doing the opposite of the urge helps. If you want to withdraw, engage gently instead. If you want to punish indirectly, name what’s bothering you calmly.

Over time, this requires a shift in how you think about conflict. Avoidance may feel like it preserves relationships, but in reality it erodes them. Direct disagreement, handled respectfully, builds trust. Passive aggression slowly dismantles it. Saying no upfront is almost always kinder than agreeing and resenting the other person for it later.

If these patterns feel deeply ingrained, professional support can help. Therapies that focus on emotional regulation and communication skills are particularly useful because they address both the internal experience and the outward behavior. The goal isn’t to eliminate anger or irritation, but to learn how to express them without disguise or damage.

Letting go of passive-aggressive behavior means giving up a certain kind of safety. You lose the protection that ambiguity once offered. In return, you gain clarity, self-respect, and relationships that aren’t quietly corroded by unspoken resentment.

Final Thoughts

Passive-aggressive behavior is surprisingly hard to sit with once you start paying attention to it. That’s partly because it occupies an uncomfortable space between intention and denial. Something is being communicated, but never quite owned.

What makes it so corrosive isn’t just the behavior itself, but the ambiguity it creates. When frustration, resentment, or contempt are expressed indirectly, nobody knows quite what they’re responding to, and over time the emotional cost accumulates.

One of the more unsettling realizations, at least for me, is how ordinary passive aggression can be. It doesn’t require a diagnosis or a dramatic backstory. It shows up in everyday moments, in emails left unanswered, tasks delayed, jokes that sting, silences that linger a little too long. Once you start noticing it, you begin to see how often it functions as a substitute for saying something difficult out loud.

The temptation is to treat passive-aggressive behavior as a problem other people have. But part of its persistence comes from how easily it slips into our own habits, especially when we’re tired, irritated, or trying to avoid conflict. That doesn’t make it inevitable, but it does make it human.

Directness, by contrast, asks more of us. It requires tolerating discomfort, risking misunderstanding, and sometimes accepting that we won’t get the response we want. But it also offers something passive aggression never does: clarity. And with clarity comes the possibility of change, repair, and relationships that aren’t quietly eroded by what goes unsaid.

If this article has done anything, I hope it’s made passive-aggressive behavior easier to recognise, in others and in yourself. Not as a label to wield, but as a signal that something needs to be expressed more honestly.

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About the Author

David Webb is a psychology educator and author who has spent over twenty-five years helping people make sense of why we think, feel, and behave the way we do. He runs All About Psychology, a long-running hub of articles, interviews, and resources visited by over a million people each year.

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